The baby is running around with a bag of powdered donuts.
There’s old pizza sitting on the playroom table.
I just about tripped over a hunk of string cheese in the floor.
Renn is licking an electric beater covered with cream cheese and marshmallow fluff.
My boxes of fall décor are sitting in the middle of the kitchen.
I haven’t showered in two days.
And I’m ok with all of these things.
I’m 5 days post-op now and still hanging in there. But it’s hard. I’m still in a lot of pain. Saturday was in particular a really trying day. My foot was throbbing so bad I just couldn’t do anything. It was worse than the first day and I thought RJ might take me back to the hospital. Thankfully he reached out to my doctor immediately and they were able to call in an additional pain medicine. Yesterday, Sunday, I woke up with a pounding headache, dizzy and nauseated. It lasted all day and my only option was to sleep it off. Today is better. The headache and nausea are gone; the foot pain is under control.
Like I said though, it’s hard. I feel useless. And as a mama of 4 that’s a hard pill to swallow. I feel like a spectator in my own life. That’s even harder to handle.
In the back of my mind I know this is really a blip on the radar. I will be down for a few weeks, well, realistically months, but not out. I’m trying to take advantage of this down time and reflect on where we are right now as a family. As I wrote in my first post on postpartum depression, this is a particularly sensitive time of year for me. Everything comes rushing back like a flood that cannot be contained. But this year is different, even with the ankle surgery. The sorrows of depression and the cycle of panic attacks are over; all that remains are the raw emotions and memories.